URGENT LINGUISTIC COMPLIANCE MEMO Q3.2: Your Mouth Is Already a Hate Crime

Distributed by the Bureau of Sanctioned Utterances, Sub-Division of Retroactive Offense, Quarterly Revision Cycle (every six weeks)

Citizens, colleagues, and carbon-based entities of indeterminate social standing — greetings. The Bureau of Sanctioned Utterances is pleased to announce that the language you were confidently speaking as recently as last Tuesday is now, in whole or in substantial part, problematic. Please update your mouths accordingly.

What follows is an abridged selection from the Bureau's Q3.2 Mandatory Lexicon Compliance Dossier. All previous editions — Q1, Q2, Q3, Q3.1, and the emergency supplemental Q3.1(b) issued after someone said "moist" at a work retreat — are hereby rescinded.

Section A: Words That Were Fine, Then Weren't, Then Were Again, Then Really Weren't

1. "Brainstorm" Why it was banned: Considered dismissive of individuals who experience neurological weather events. Replacement issued: "Thought shower." Why the replacement was banned: "Shower" evokes hygiene culture, which is classist. Current approved term: cognitive-precipitation-inclusive-ideation-convening-session Pronunciation guide: Not provided. Speaking it aloud is discouraged.

2. "Deadline" Why it was banned: Contains the word "dead." The Bureau received eleven complaints and one interpretive dance. Replacement issued: "Dateline." Why the replacement was banned: Associated with NBC true crime programming, triggering for fans of the perpetrators. Current approved term: temporally-bounded-non-fatal-task-completion-horizon Usage in a sentence: Please submit your TPS reports by the temporally-bounded-non-fatal-task-completion-horizon. (Note: "TPS" is under review.)

3. "Picnic" Why it was banned: A debunked but emotionally resonant etymology made the rounds on social media in 2021 and the Bureau doesn't fact-check, it vibes-checks. Replacement issued: "Outdoor dining experience." Why the replacement was banned: "Dining" centers food, which is fatphobic, and "experience" was trademarked by Disney. Current approved term: al-fresco-nourishment-adjacent-communal-blanket-gathering

Section B: Phrases That Committed Crimes Against Nuance

11. "You guys" Why it was banned: Gendered. The Bureau acknowledges it had previously approved this phrase in 2019. Replacement issued: "Folks." Why the replacement was banned: Considered rural-coded and therefore dismissive of urban sensibilities. Three Brooklyn residents filed formal grievances. Current approved term: assembled-individuals-of-self-determined-relational-proximity Note: Waving is also under review.

14. "No problem" Why it was banned: Implies there could have been a problem, creating ambient anxiety. Replacement issued: "Absolutely!" Why the replacement was banned: Toxic positivity. Also, the exclamation point has been placed on the Bureau's Punctuation Watch List. Current approved term: your-request-has-been-acknowledged-without-emotional-inconvenience-to-either-party Customer service note: This phrase must be delivered in a neutral monotone to avoid performative cheerfulness violations.

19. "Trigger warning" Why it was banned: "Trigger" is a firearms reference. Also a horse's name, which is equine-normative. Replacement issued: "Content note." Why the replacement was banned: "Note" implies literacy privilege. Current approved term: pre-engagement-emotional-landscape-advisory-for-the-differentially-affected Irony status: The Bureau is aware. The Bureau does not care.

Section C: Innocuous Words That Got Caught in the Crossfire ("Crossfire" Also Banned)

23. "Grandfathered in" Why it was banned: Patrilineal age hierarchy embedded in standard business terminology. Replacement issued: "Legacy exemption." Why the replacement was banned: "Legacy" implies inherited privilege, which it does, but not in a good way. Current approved term: historically-accommodated-pre-existing-condition-of-procedural-non-compliance

31. "Blacklist" / "Whitelist" Why it was banned: You already know. Replacement issued: "Blocklist" / "Allowlist." Why the replacement was banned: "Block" evokes obstruction, which is ableist in the context of cognitive flow. "Allow" implies gatekeeping. Current approved term (blocklist): entities-designated-for-non-engagement-pending-further-values-alignment Current approved term (allowlist): pre-vetted-participants-in-good-ideological-standing-as-of-this-printing

38. "Healthy" Why it was banned: Body normative. Replacement issued: "Wellness-forward." Why the replacement was banned: "Forward" implies directional bias against those who prefer lateral or retrograde movement. Current approved term: non-hierarchically-embodied-in-a-manner-consistent-with-one's-own-metrics Dietary note: Salad is also under review.

*44. "Sunset" (the verb) Why it was banned: Implies the sun has agency and a schedule, centering celestial bodies over lived human experience. Replacement issued: "Phase out." Why the replacement was banned: "Phase" is associated with the moon, which is also a celestial body. See above. Current approved term: initiate-the-graceful-non-continuation-of-a-previously-sanctioned-initiative

47. "Woke" Why it was banned: Originally banned by the right, then reclaimed by the left, then banned again by the right, then rendered meaningless by overuse, then banned by the Bureau for being "lexically exhausted." Replacement issued: "Socially conscious." Why the replacement was banned: "Conscious" implies unconsciousness is inferior. The Bureau received a strongly worded letter from the Napping Advocacy Coalition. Current approved term: perpetually-updating-awareness-of-one's-own-complicity-in-unnamed-systemic-forces Usage note: This term has a six-week shelf life. It is already expiring.

A Final Word From the Bureau

The Bureau wishes to remind all citizens that linguistic compliance is not a destination — it is a treadmill that has been set to a speed slightly faster than you are currently running. This is by design.

If you are confused, that is appropriate. Confusion indicates engagement. If you are not confused, please report to the Bureau's Office of Suspiciously Confident People, located on the fourth floor of a building we cannot name because "floor" implies vertical hierarchy.

A full glossary of approved terms is available in a 340-page PDF that will be updated before you finish downloading it.

— Professor Reginald P. Farnsworth III, Senior Correspondent, Woke Watch Daily

⚠ DISCLAIMER: This article was written, edited, fact-checked, second-guessed, and published during a single news cycle. The Bureau has already issued Q3.3. At least fourteen terms used in this piece — including "piece" — have been reclassified. The author regrets the inconvenience and is currently updating his own biography to remove the word "Professor," which was flagged last Thursday for implying academic hierarchy. He is now simply: Reginald.