Trader Joe's Moral Report Card: A Definitive Guide to How Bad You Should Feel in the Checkout Line

Category: Culture | By: Staff Writer

Once upon a time, going to the grocery store meant grabbing what you needed, paying, and leaving. Those days are gone. In 2024, every item you place in that little handheld basket is a referendum on your character, your politics, your carbon footprint, and — if the latest discourse is to be believed — your relationship with colonialism. Trader Joe's, that beloved cathedral of affordable cheese and inexplicable seasonal items, has become ground zero for performative consumer anxiety.

We at Woke Watch Daily have taken it upon ourselves to do what no one asked us to do: create an official, completely scientific, totally legitimate Moral Compliance Score (MCS) for the most popular items in the store. Scores are calculated using our proprietary rubric, which factors in carbon footprint, cultural appropriation potential, fair trade ambiguity, and a category we simply call Vibes.

You're welcome. Or sorry. Depending on your score.

The Scoring Rubric (Please Read Before Spiraling)

Each product is graded on a 100-point scale. A higher score means you should feel worse about buying it. The categories are as follows:

• Carbon Footprint (0–25 pts): Did this item travel farther than you have in the last five years?
• Cultural Appropriation Potential (0–25 pts): Is this cuisine from a culture you have not personally been invited to enjoy?
• Fair Trade Ambiguity (0–25 pts): Could you find out where this was made? Did you try? Be honest.
• Vibes (0–25 pts): Does buying this make you feel vaguely like a gentrifier? Does the packaging have a font that feels a little too ethnic? Trust your gut.

Now, let's get into it.

Cookie Butter — MCS: 78/100

Let's start with the elephant in the room. Cookie Butter — that jar of Belgian speculoos spread that has somehow become an American personality trait — scores a deeply troubling 78 out of 100.

Carbon footprint? Belgium is not next door. Cultural appropriation potential? You are eating a centuries-old European cookie tradition blended into a paste, without once having attended a Belgian Christmas market. Fair trade ambiguity? The label says a lot of things and none of them answer the question. Vibes? You've been eating this with a spoon directly from the jar at 11pm, and you know it.

The one saving grace is that Cookie Butter is so aggressively beloved that criticizing it would itself be considered culturally insensitive at this point. We're docking five points for that loophole.

Two-Buck Chuck (Charles Shaw Wine) — MCS: 63/100

Currently retailing closer to four dollars, which is its first offense. The name is a lie, and lies have a carbon footprint.

Two-Buck Chuck scores a 63, driven primarily by the Vibes category, where it earned a near-perfect 22 out of 25. Why? Because buying cheap wine in bulk communicates a complex cocktail of messages: you are either very relatable and down-to-earth, or you are hosting a party and don't respect your guests. The ambiguity is exhausting.

California-grown grapes bring the carbon score down slightly, but the industrial wine production process raises questions that a single Google search will ruin your evening with. We recommend not Googling.

Mandarin Orange Chicken — MCS: 85/100

Oh, this one's bad. The frozen Mandarin Orange Chicken — Trader Joe's single most popular product, a distinction the store has proudly advertised — earns a deeply uncomfortable 85 out of 100.

The cultural appropriation potential alone scores a 21. This is an American interpretation of a Chinese-American dish that is itself an American interpretation of Chinese cuisine. We are now three layers deep into culinary colonialism, and it tastes incredible, which only makes it worse.

The carbon footprint is elevated. The fair trade score is elevated. The vibes are extremely elevated — partly because the bag art features stylized Asian-inspired design elements that two separate Twitter threads have already called problematic, and partly because you've bought six bags this month.

Organic Baby Spinach — MCS: 12/100

Finally, something you can feel good about. Organic Baby Spinach scores a 12, making it the closest thing to moral absolution this store offers.

It loses points only because the plastic clamshell packaging is technically not recyclable in most municipalities (check locally, but the answer is no), and because "organic" certification is a process that some agricultural ethicists have complicated opinions about. Also, you bought it three days ago and it's already turning. That's on you, not the spinach.

Everything Bagel Seasoning — MCS: 44/100

A moderate 44. The "Everything Bagel" is a New York institution being sold in a chain grocery store in suburban Phoenix, which carries its own set of implications. The seasoning itself is benign, but the cultural tourism of it all bumps the Vibes score up to a 17.

Also, you put it on avocado toast, and we all know what that means about your housing situation.

Unexpected Cheddar — MCS: 31/100

The name is doing a lot of work here, and frankly, we respect it. 31 out of 100. It's domestic cheese. The carbon footprint is manageable. The appropriation potential is low unless you've been telling people it's "basically an aged Manchego," in which case add 10 points and sit with that.

A Final Note on Your Score

Here's the thing about moral compliance scores: they are, by design, impossible to fully satisfy. The rubric shifts. The discourse evolves. The thing that was fine last Tuesday is a think piece by Friday. The only truly ethical grocery store trip would involve buying nothing, which creates a different set of problems — primarily that you would starve, which has its own carbon implications.

So go ahead. Buy the Cookie Butter. Grab the Orange Chicken. Throw in a bag of Everything But the Bagel Seasoning and a bottle of wine that costs less than a Starbucks drink.

Your score is already logged. We're keeping track so you don't have to.

Woke Watch Daily: Keeping Score So You Don't Have To™